Redemption and to be forgiven

SVT1 aired a documentary/interview with Annika Östberg yesterday. Prior to this two other documentaries had shown her life, how she ended up where she did, but we didn't really get to hear her speak. She was asked if she had any regrets, and she said something down the lines of "of course, don't we all, but I'm more sad that my mistakes effected me in the ways they did, and effected other people the way they did". I found something in that, maybe not the obvious. The consequences are often what we're upset about. If the outcome is good we rarely concider it a mistake, it's a fortunate turn of events, a chance, a break.

The fact that she was locked up for as long as she was, 30 years or so also raised a few other trails of questioning in me. When are forgiven in a human perspective? I'll leave the divine to someone else that knows more about it than I do. I'm not interested in what she was convicted of in that sense either, but the crime involved was murder. She was present when two murders took place. (I'd like to add that she doesn't deny involvement, but she didn't pull the trigger). Either way it went down she was in a situation that cost two people their lives. Naturally the person the American authorities was more upset about was the police officer. But that's a whole other can of worms. So, basically, she spent 28 years in American prison and 2 years in Swedish prison and now she's in rehabilitation, a life rehab. I can't shake the feeling that there's no way to be forgiven. At the same time I know that locking me up with my own thoughts for 3 decades is more punishment than I could bear, especially if those thoughts are about my guilt for someone else's life. Is that humane? Or is the whole point that it's not supposed to be humane?

How do the families of the victims move on as long as the person that caused the dead of their loved ones is locked up, doesn't that create a neverending present? Losing family members and friends to death is something we'll all experiance, and yes sometimes it's lovely to have someone to blame. So I quickly jump onto the next lilly pad of, should we hold on to that pain forever? Maybe it's simple math. You're guilty and should beat yourself up for as long as the person whose life you took should be alive. Meaning that if you kill someone in their 60s your guilt is shorter than if you kill someone in their 20s. I'm not sure I like that equation though. Murder is the extreme of the harm people do to each other, isn't it? I'd like to think that he worst prison guard a person can have is oneself, but maybe that doesn't apply to everyone. I can only think that 30 years of your whole existance being the consequence of one fatal mistake is more harsh than a physical punishment. It is however possible that I think so only because I know what mind demons can do to a person. How to remain sane while having the worst representation of oneself being the entire you must be close to impossible.

Back to holding on to the greif. Of course I see the need to punish people for murder. But to what extent? What gives the families of these victims the right of the possibility to hold on it for so long? The period of grief after death is two years. I'm still within that period, technically. Would I like to be reminded of that death? No. Not at all. Would I like to be reminded of the death 11 years ago? No. The death 18 years ago? No. To hold on to all that anger for 30 years! That's impressive! How is that reminder helping the families. Perhaps I'll never fully understand it. I thought forgiving is divine. (Couldn't stay away from the divine, could I?) It brings yet another thing to mind; being the bigger person and accepting life as it happens.

What mistakes do, and the consequenses of them is that it seperates people into good and bad. Bad people are easy to identify. They're in prisons, they're homeless, they swear. Not quite. If it was that easy to seperate the good and the bad I would have had plenty more good nights than I can testify to. The sad bit in is that once you've been labeled as a bad person it's hard to get a chance to be a good one. You're forever stuck in the negative so to speak. You're going to be compensating for that bad thing you did. Simple example most of us have seen; the former drug addict going to schools telling the students how bad drugs are and all the things the drugs made him/her do. (Does anyone else recognize the line of "It started with a cigarette"?) Forever compensating for the bad with the good, and always being reminded of it. Just like a beggar is stuck compensating the money received with putting up with the disgusted looks from the givers.

By now it might seem that I think we should let all prison doors open and abolish all punishments, but that's not what I mean at all, I'm simply using crime as an example for things we all do. Every time you say "I'm sorry" you're compensating your bad.

Should we really be judged on our worst moments instead of our best ones? To me the answer is evident.