No man is an island

It seems, at times when we try to do the right thing it ends up wrong from a different angle. Oh sweet higher powers how I was that one without the ability to see things from other perspectives. I wish I was selfish. Even when I really want something I try not to always get my way because I know that in the long run it wouldn't benefit me. What good is it to get my way when it will come back to haunt me when I might want something even more.

What brought this on? I asked a favour to make life easier for someone I care about, and in doing so I had to make life more difficult for someone else. But the one I'm really making life difficult for is myself. If I could only, for a day or two make that voice in my head be quiet, the little voice of constant reason. Needless to say I never understood the illustration of a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other, it's not that simple. It's more of a sky sinking down and crushing every bone in my body and I become a wet spot. When I start pacing I know it's come. When I want to cry I know it's here. But I can't cry, I can't surrender, I have to fix it. Have to make everything work out.

"I know they mean well" What's in an intention? Really. Absolutley nothing. What's having one's heart in the right place? If you don't stop and concider that bigger picture it's fireing a gun, killing a president and starting a war because you wanted to help someone clean up. I detest asking for things, even though I collect good deeds I'd like to say I do for others, but my accounts are running out, and I have nowhere to turn because I ask for favours on such rare occations that it seems like a bigger deal than it is.

I want to take care of myself, I want to take care of those I love, but I don't want anyone to care for me and I have a problem with letting people in, I don't want to be that weak burden that needs picking up.

In all honesty, I feel humiliated by having to ask for help, even if my heart was in the right place. (See how that doesn't make me feel any better?)