It's that time a year when everything slows down, after a high pitched peak of speeded energy. Schools are out soon and I tend to get a bit nostaligic. The summer break was an endless stretch of road in a barren country. I worked during summers, and travelled. I didn't have any contact with my classmates and when we came back in fall I always felt further away from them than I did when we left.
That feeling kind of comes back, especially this year when the semester's coming to an end. It's all been so fast! It feels like it's only been a couple of weeks since it was winter. I guess that's what happens when I get trapped in one of my bubbles, I don't tend to see what's been going on until something pokes it and makes it explode, then I stand naked to the world with nothing to protect my soul. Don't get me wrong, it's not that bad of a feeling, I just feel a bit exposed. The past six summers have been a chaotic mess of stress and long hours. Well, technically most of my summers have been like that for the past twelve years, and now this...I don't have to struggle to support myself, i can do as I please, well with some reservations.
But it's still there, that sense of a chapter ending, and even though most parts of it have been nice and made be grow it's a bit, not sad, but, well maybe, yeah, it is a bit sad. I'll miss it. I'll miss this year. Perhaps the very fact that I'm grieving a bit means it was good. What I just don't understand is why all good things always end. The bad bits have a tendency to stick around longer don't they?
I see myself as the girl I was with the end of the school year, when we got dressed up and listened to speeches and sang, and someone'd talk about all the possibilities of life, and it was so hard to picture it then, to make it realistic. It still is. Always caught in limbo... I loved the dress I wore when first grade was over, I still have it actually, although it doesn't fit all that well.
It's hard to let go of the scheduled times, the fact that someone tells you what to do and what you're supposed to accomplish, to set your own goals is oh so much harder. The mere goal of "enjoy yourself and be happy doing so" isn't sufficient enough, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try to not worry about what everyone else is doing, and stop comparing myself to others and be satisfied with myself as I am, because after all, I am pretty amazing in myself.
(I think you might have to be Swedish to fully understand the Swedish summer obsession.)
That feeling kind of comes back, especially this year when the semester's coming to an end. It's all been so fast! It feels like it's only been a couple of weeks since it was winter. I guess that's what happens when I get trapped in one of my bubbles, I don't tend to see what's been going on until something pokes it and makes it explode, then I stand naked to the world with nothing to protect my soul. Don't get me wrong, it's not that bad of a feeling, I just feel a bit exposed. The past six summers have been a chaotic mess of stress and long hours. Well, technically most of my summers have been like that for the past twelve years, and now this...I don't have to struggle to support myself, i can do as I please, well with some reservations.
But it's still there, that sense of a chapter ending, and even though most parts of it have been nice and made be grow it's a bit, not sad, but, well maybe, yeah, it is a bit sad. I'll miss it. I'll miss this year. Perhaps the very fact that I'm grieving a bit means it was good. What I just don't understand is why all good things always end. The bad bits have a tendency to stick around longer don't they?
I see myself as the girl I was with the end of the school year, when we got dressed up and listened to speeches and sang, and someone'd talk about all the possibilities of life, and it was so hard to picture it then, to make it realistic. It still is. Always caught in limbo... I loved the dress I wore when first grade was over, I still have it actually, although it doesn't fit all that well.
It's hard to let go of the scheduled times, the fact that someone tells you what to do and what you're supposed to accomplish, to set your own goals is oh so much harder. The mere goal of "enjoy yourself and be happy doing so" isn't sufficient enough, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try to not worry about what everyone else is doing, and stop comparing myself to others and be satisfied with myself as I am, because after all, I am pretty amazing in myself.
(I think you might have to be Swedish to fully understand the Swedish summer obsession.)
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