Confession and acceptance

Sacrificing yourself and confessing your sins is a much cleaner version than cleansing yourself in blood, a more civilized way of being filthy. It really comes down to what God is, and how that God sees us as. Does he love us as a parent or does he love us as prodigies, something that needs to be improved to live up to a certain standard to be accpetable. Basically, is life a long audition to get into heaven or do we already have the part as one of God's children?

For being someone that doesn't really belive in God I do spend an awful lot of time thinking about religion. I read, I listen, I ponder, yet I don't seem to be any wiser as to what God really is. Just like a couple with trouble might need an outside therapist to look at their issues objectivly I've started to lean against seeing myself as a counselor between those who believe but don't seem to have a clear picture of what God is. Don't worry, I don't have hybris, I just like discussing.

My head is getting sore just thinking about what God is, because most of the time he does come off as quite schitzo, punishing and forgiving, everywhere and nowhere, a father and a son. But I suppose that is what happens when you try to fuse together all the previous beliefs into one semipersonlified creature. This complexity also presents another issue; God isn't the same to everyone. I can't help but wonder, if something is real, shouldn't there be a clear picture of what that is? By saying "that is what God is to me" aren't we ourselves presenting ourselves as God by default?

Either way, back to go sins and making a deal with God, when you're trying to negotiate with God aren't you really just reasoning with yourself? You present something you want and you're offering a sacrifice in return, your own wellbehaved being. In being good you will get good, that's the idea. Then, if life isn't an audition and we're all accepted because we're God's children, what's the point? Perhaps God just serves as a conscience when we're unable to give ourselves credit or maybe we're just not willing to grow up and accept the consequences of life fully. When things are hard we are being punished for something, and when it's good we're rewarded. Another point in this is the love. I hope the love is constant, the way a parent's love for a child should be.

It's possible as a child to break your parent's heart, over and over, but I hope it's not possible to take away from the love flow. When you do as your parents want they reward you with acceptance, when you don't, they punish you. Is God as simple as the love from a parent?

Forgive me Father, I am a sin.